More citizen deals with Amadon

In the wake of “Oyster” Jim Martin’s widely publicized deal with the Amadon Group, wannabe developers of the Weyerhaeuser lands, several new initiatives have sprung forth from Ukee citizens eager to get in on the ground floor of the planning process.

April “Hotsauce” Rodrigues was the first to go public, announcing that she had reached an agreement with Amadon representatives to construct a Mexican-themed Wild Pacific Trail, with wandering mariachi bands, authentic taco stands, and imported child pickpockets to entertain visitors and locals alike.

No sooner was the ink dry on that agreement than James Elroy Succulente, who lists his address as “George Fraser Memorial Park,” announced his agreement with Amadon on the “Wild Pacific Campground.” Preliminary architect’s drawings (done on the bottom of a scavenged pizza box) seem to indicate the trail will be, according to Succulente’s agreement, a 4-km-long free camping zone by the water’s edge, complete with Amadon-built shelters, showers and pit toilets.

Not to be left behind, Crag “Chainsaw” Cranston, president of the local chapter of Treecutters Anonymous, unveiled his own agreement with Amadon early this week. Cranston’s concept has the trail wandering through an “logging theme park,” with free chain saws for all, that will eventually evolve into an “environmentally sustainable clear-cut harvest zone” to enhance viewscapes from every single metre of the trail.

Several more citizens have indicated they are near to signing agreements with Amadon, to be unveiled in the coming weeks before the development proposal goes to public hearing.

Amadon officials have remained uncommunicative regarding how they plan to reconcile all these conflicting agreements. Spokespeople for the Wild Pacific Trail Society, wearing full-face balaclavas and body armour at a press conference, speculated that it was a cheesy attempt to placate the “six or eight” concerned citizens of Ucluelet until Amadon’s development proposal is passed by council, at which point the giant developer would do what it dang well liked, “which is what’s going to happen anyway,” the WPTS press release said.

Gumboots made for walking?

In a transparent effort to get slothful British Columbians on board for the looming 2010 Olympic debacle, the Liberal government has pitted town against town in a “friendly” Walk to Whistler competition to see whose populace can register the most kilometres of walking. Cynics decry the effort as a cheap ploy to distract voters from upcoming massive Olympic cost overruns. Other commentators, in a more sinister vein, say that future provincial funding initiatives will be closely tied to performance in the “contest,” with the losing town being on the chopping block for significant spending cuts.

Still, West Coast residents gleefully donned pedometers by the case lot on Saturday, ready to hit the walking paths for the glory and honour of their town. Their enthusiasm, according to local fitness guru Peter “The Blimp” Rotunde, should last until the next rainfall hits — “about Tuesday, if we’re lucky.”

Not every area resident was pleased about the competition. “I liked it better when we could just sit around watching TV and hating each other,” said Eleanor “Couch Crumpet” Boyd, longtime Tofino resident. “We never had to get up and actually do anything about it.”

The towns’ titular heads are said to have embraced the contest wholeheartedly. Mayor Al has reportedly attached his pedometer to the wheel of his car. Rumour has it that Mayor Dianne has attached four of them to her dog — one per leg.