Amadon hearing refuses to die

The much anticipated Amadon public hearing, now rescheduled for the fourth time, is showing more bounce than a squash ball.

The hearing, originally planned for the back corner booth at Mountain Boy, was moved to the district courtroom and finally to Seaplane Base Rec Hall, because of a groundswell of public interest. Also, adds Ukee resident Pete “Smileyface” Dourre, “because it’s likely to have more to do with recreation than with justice.”

District staff are hard at work prepping the hall for the extravaganza, happening next Tuesday, March 29 at 6 p.m. sharp. Sources say the hall will be divided into two, split down the middle by a length of bright orange beer-garden fencing. The side nearest the exits will seat all the developers, builders, real estate agents, materials suppliers, tradespeople and assorted hangers-on who stand to benefit big-time from the giant build-out proposed by Amadon on the Weyerhaeuser land.

On the other side will be the simple folk of Ucluelet, who are wondering about the long-term effects of their town becoming an appendage to a gigantic, exclusive resort.

Most of the former will be packing cellphones and Blackberries, and at least some of the latter are expected to be carrying pitchforks and burning torches.

In a chicken-wire cage at the head of the room, wielding more power than they’ve ever dreamed of, will be town council, with the thankless task of disappointing either big money or their own electorate.

The citizenry are keeping publicly quiet about their opinions, as is the Ukee norm, although local living rooms and kitchen tables are said to be hotbeds of debate. Whether all the talk ever comes to light is dubious, in a town known for keeping its heads down lest they get bit off. A low-key petition against the Amadon proposal has appeared in selected businesses around town, to lacklustre response.

Some folks appear to feel it’s a foregone conclusion anyway. “Maybe I’m just being cynical,” said one, “but the whole dog-and-pony show is just to satisfy the letter of the law. The decision has already been made in a back room long ago, just like the last time, and the time before that.”

Others disagree: “Council is running scared on this one. They’ve got to listen to what people say.”

All agree on one thing, though, as voiced by a displaced trailer park resident: “If you don’t speak up now, you might as well go home. Except in two years you might not have a home, not in Ucluelet, anyway.”

At left, the Ukee bylaw officer tries out the new, beer-can-proof uniform and taser gun acquired by the district specially for the hearing. (Click to enlarge)

Previous Tattler reporting on citizen deals with Amadon right here.

Ukee guy hits dance floor sober

In a move that stunned locals, a Ukee guy got up and danced at the Fishnet Stalkers gig this weekend without being blind drunk first.

“I don’t know what came over me,” said Ukee guy Drake Masterson, 25. “I mean, I just got all caught up in that WhaleFest spirit, my toes started tapping, and before I knew it I was out there grooving to the beat. I hadn’t even had a fourth beer,” he added, shaking his head.

Six beer is the accepted minimum before Ukee guys, widely known as a tight-assed party crowd, are generally allowed to do anything more than sit like lumps of turd and drink. Even after six beers, however, few take the opportunity to dance — usually because when their blood alcohol level hits 0.12 their coordination is pretty much shot. As a result, Ukee guys’ expressions of wholesome enjoyment are normally limited to raising beer bottles in the air, yelling “yee-haw,” and vomiting in the bushes out back of the venue.

Ukee women have long given up on their guys and take to the dance floor by themselves without inhibition. “Just give me a guy who likes to dance,” said witness Judie Marcuse, 22. “He doesn’t even have to be good at it, he just has to want to have fun. I mean, girls love dancing. You’d think guys would clue in to that.”

Stalkers frontman JP Penny took the surprise intrusion in stride. “I thought I might have to call security,” he said after the show. “This guy was way out of line. But then he seemed to be having a good time so I figured, what the hell.”

CBT-funded sociologists are at a loss to explain the strong inhibitions of the Ukee guy, and of most Ukee crowds in general. “Given the day-to-day realities of life on the coast, you’d think people would love a chance to let down their hair every now and again,” one commented in a recent research paper. “Could be that dancing pissed causes Ukee guys to make fools of themselves, which is exactly what they’re afraid of, which is why they drink so much in the first place. It’s a real catch-22. The brightly-lit dance floors in town are another potential deterrent, but beyond that, it’s anybody’s guess.”

2nd ‘hand’ store under suspicion

Ucluelet’s newest thrift shop finds itself in the eye of an investigation by a department of the Ministry of Public Parts (MPP), following allegations that it may be a supply link in an organ-trading ring.

Investigators point to the coincidence of the shop’s “curious” name (2nd Hand Cargo) and its “convenient” location directly across from the Lodge, Ucluelet’s premier drinking establishment and “a likely and bottomless source of, shall we say, ‘inventory‘ on Saturday nights alone.”

MPP investigators countrywide have long been searching for clues to the infamous bargain-basement “double-double” transplants, consisting of two kidneys for $2, or the “2-for-a-buck cornea specials” widely offered via spam on the internet. Americans, their bodies failing from gross obesity and unable to afford the obscenely expensive operations in their own country, have reportedly been flocking across the border to take advantage of the offers.

Corner Cupboard, the St. Aidan’s Church basement thrift shop, fell under suspicion last year, but MPP called the investigation off when it was pointed out that, with no available refrigeration and the shop only open Saturday mornings, any body parts on the shelf would hardly keep from one week to the next.

Princess moo-ves on new initiative

Oak Bay Marine Group, which owns Ucluelet’s Canadian Princess resort, will launch a bold new marketing initiative when it opens for business this year at the end of April. At a press conference this week, the Victoria-based resort company announced it will be selling Canadian Princess sportfishing packages to herd animals of all species, not just homo sapiens.

Last year’s test marketing on small groups of Alberta Red Angus (pictured right, click to enlarge) indicates wide market interest, said Oak Bay director of marketing Darryl Potsdamm. “We feel this initiative meshes perfectly with the ‘pack-em-in’ ethic that is becoming the norm in West Coast tourism.”

Duke Ledbaluun, a Canadian Princess charter captain who took one herd out on an offshore halibut trip late last summer, is enthusiastic about the initiative. “Them bovines had a [expletive deleted] great time,” he said. “The people on board had tons of fun too,” he added, “once they got over the [expletive deleted] smell.”

Long known informally as the “cattle boats” of the industry, Canadian Princess charter craft will soon bear that moniker officially. And company principals are delighted with the change, said Potsdamm. “With a whole new class of customer already accustomed to being jammed into inhumanly tight spaces, the passenger count on our vessels will skyrocket — along with revenue,” he said with a grin.

Related West Coast businesses are reported to be watching the development with interest, with some tentatively adding oats and hay to their box-lunch menu options.

Although the manure problem remains to be fully worked out, Princess managers believe they should be able to simply hose it off the deck once the boats are back at their berths in the Inner Harbour. “Given the extent of our environmental impact already, this little bit extra shouldn’t be an issue,” said one manager.

Potsdamm concurs. “Barring an outbreak of Mad Cow, we expect to be driving cows, horses, and possibly bison up the loading ramps alongside the Japanese and American tourists by early summer,” he said.