UCLUELET, BC — The entire town of Ucluelet has been declared an “invitation only” community, it was announced at a press conference held this morning.
Tho conference was called by two mysterious local eccentrics known only as The Empress and The Duke, a reclusive pair who are rarely seen in town but who have declared themselves west coast royalty.
At the conference, The Empress announced that a giant gate with a drawbridge will be erected at the top of Garbage Dump Hill — “to be known in henceforth as Mount Jack,” Her Highness decreed — and only those with a written invitation from The Empress herself will be allowed to pass.
As for residents now living in the community, The Duke said those who are invited by The Empress to remain in Ucluelet may do so, and they will receive a letter to that effect by the middle of February. Anyone who does not receive such a letter will be required to pack up and leave by the end of February, he said.
Council could not be reached for comment, as it was in an emergency meeting with a team of architects, planning the building scheme for new housing in Ukee’s most prestigious gated “community,” the Signature Circle. As per usual, residents’ only comments were along the lines of “Huh?” and “Whatever.”
