Council picks new council

In a brief in camera session last week, Ucluelet council decided on the results of next November’s civic election.

In Canada, a governing body normally does not pick its own successors, but in Ucluelet’s case the lack of voter interest has been so marked for decades that past councils were forced to create their own system. The choosing of a replacement council by a sitting council is now a Ukee tradition.

As widely expected, Dianne St. Jacques will sit again in the mayor’s place. Councillors Bill Irving and Eric Russcher (both of I-R-J Day fame) will return to the same chairs. Councillor Dario Corlazzoli will be replaced by the next name on the rotating list of approved councillors, and as usual there will be one “wild card” seat left open to maintain the illusion that Ucluelet is an operating democracy.

All existing policies and procedures, both public and behind-the-scenes, will remain unaltered. As has been the norm for the past several decades, members of council will continue to hold influential positions on all key committees and organizations in town, thus ensuring that the same narrow set of ideas and ideologies rules every game in town.

Council says Ukee residents can continue to bask in their political fog as nothing is expected to change. Ever.

Another award for Ucluelet

Keeping up its impressive winning streak, the district of Ucluelet pulled in yet another major award over the weekend. April May, executive director of the Coalition of BC Municipalities (CBCM), announced Sunday that this year’s Mayor Sunshine trophy would be going to Ucluelet mayor Dianne St. Jacques.

The rotating award goes each year to the small-town mayor who projects “the most grindingly, blindingly, relentlessly positive image for their town, in the face of everything to the contrary” May said. “Every time [Mayor St. Jacques] speaks, everything she says is brimming with optimism and hope for the future. She deserves this award like nobody else.”

District residents seem to agree. “Every time she opens her mouth it’s like a friggin’ soap commercial for the town,” they say. “Just as it should be, ’cause we’re all happily housed, with great jobs and a swell town with no problems at all.”

Ucluelet CAO Geoff Lyons was a strong contender for the Making Problems Disappear by Waving Your Arms Around award, but was beat out by the district of Duncan, which recently signed famed magician David Copperfield to a long-term contract.

Tofino mayor John Fraser was also considered for the award, but fell out of the running because he briefly discussed the town’s critical water problems in a public forum. “There’s a time and a place to talk about controversial civic issues,” May said, “and unfortunately Mr. Fraser let the cat out of the bag once too often. But he got his head bit off because of it, so we have every hope that he learned a lesson and will be in the running for Mayor Sunshine next year.”

—Thanks to submitter (who wants to remain anonymous)

I-R-J Day … Nov. 28

First Annual I–R–J DAY

Wednesday, November 28

Celebrating the day Ukee sold out to developers!

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THE LAND: The infamous Lot 16, across the street from Big Beach.

THE PROBLEM: The lot is zoned for 200 multi-family units — huge potential to become a busy residential neighbourhood: walking distance to schools and town centre, right across the street from Big Beach Park and the future community centre. But . . . it will take YEARS to build out — not quick enough for our developers to cash in on today!

THE SOLUTION: Marine Drive Properties applies for down-zoning to 86 resort condominiums (nightly rentals), along with 12 multi-family units and 5 single-family lots — a net loss of 183 family residences. But buyers are lining up for the resort condos!

THE VOTE: On November 28, 2006, councillors Corlazzoli and Thorp have the temerity to vote against the rezoning. Fortunately councillors Irving and Russcher vote in favour, to make for a 2–2 tie. Mayor St. Jacques breaks the longstanding tradition of a mayor voting “no” when council is split, and casts the deciding yes vote.

THE RESULT: Ukee becomes a town where developers’ present needs trump the community’s future needs!

THE DAY: In recognition of this watershed day, and in homage to the longterm vision of councillors Irving, Russcher and St. Jacques, every November 28 is to be known as I–R–J DAY.

 Let the celebrations begin!

Council schedules OCP ‘uh-oh’ review

In a surprise move, council has decided to initiate a review of Ucluelet’s Official Community Plan this fall, even though the mandatory five-year period for review won’t be up for another two years.

An anonymous commentator at the district office called the exercise “a standard UH-OH review — the usual procedure resorted to when council suddenly realizes it has gone too far, too fast.”

“An Uh-Oh review bolsters the sham that the community is in control of its own development,” the commentator said, “and also lets council off the hook to some extent by allowing them to claim they’re just doing what the community wants, as expressed in the OCP.”

Others, however, note that Ukee is now playing host to “a real estate and development speculation orgy more suited to an Internet gambling site than a community for people to live in.” They claim this revisiting of the OCP will be more of an OH-SHIT review, with council scrambling for damage control as the situation deteriorates.

A few are even claiming this will be a full-scale JESUS-H-CHRIST review, indicating a desperate, last-ditch effort to salvage some scraps of the community before it’s too late.

Cynical observers add that the OCP is effectively useless anyway, ever since council took it upon themselves to sweepingly rezone for the town’s build-out for the next 30 years, leaving little in the way of wiggle room for future councils. At any rate, they add, the OCP has proven to be a markedly flexible document, conveniently invoked for support when it agrees with what council wants to do, and downplayed as “just a guideline” when it doesn’t.

Stay tuned for commentary from the Tattler as the foolishness begins.

Council throws in towel, hands town to CAO

In an unusual move, council has streamlined its job by formally handing the administration of the whole town over to the CAO.

The surprise move happened when new councillor Nick Thorp had an aha! moment during a recent council meeting. “You know,” he said, “I just realized that, whatever comes before us here at council, we always end up asking the CAO what he thinks, and that’s what we end up doing. Every single time. Why don’t we just save ourselves some time and hand it over to Geoff formally?”

Councillor Corlazzoli also recommended facing facts. The CAO finds recycling a pain in the ass, so recycling goes nowhere. The CAO is fed up with riding herd on developers and their bulldozers and dynamite, so developers get carte blanche on their projects. “Why play this ‘elected council’ game? It just gets everybody’s hopes up.”

The mayor disagreed strongly, saying it was important that Ucluelet be run by strong, elected officials who are accountable to the public. Then she asked CAO Lyons what he thought.

Mr. Lyons waved his arms about, as though unspeakably irritated by the bother of administering a small town, and said, “Essentially, council is a group of volunteer amateurs with no expertise whatsoever.” There were nods of agreement around the council table. “In every municipal venture,” Lyons continued, “I generally recommend that the district avoid incompetence and cost overruns by leaving it up to professionals, such as myself. In this case, however, the decision is entirely up to council.”

“Oh, I see,” the mayor said. “Okay then, let’s make it official. We can save everybody a lot of boring meeting time here.”

Thorp then made a motion to move the CAO’s recommendations. Council passed the motion unanimously, then made a date for next Tuesday at the ANAF Hall for darts.

Henceforth council meetings will be cancelled, the mayor announced, and COW meetings will be renamed CAO meetings and will be closed to the public. The small audience in attendance broke into spontaneous applause and also began making plans for future Tuesdays.

A public service address from Ucluelet councillor Billaric Russcheving

The following is a transcription of a talk given to the Ucluelet Development Task Force shortly before the Lot 16 public hearing, and is presented as an educational public service by the Ukee Tattler.

Hello, my name is councillor Billaric Russcheving and I’ve been asked to fill you people in on a few basic facts about representative democracy here in U … Uka … Uculuss.

Now a lotta people think just because they voted me in, I’m gonna listen to what they have to say about every little thing. But you gotta realize that a politician represents ALL the people, not just you. Me, I do my level best to represent what I call the “silent, gruntled majority” — all those good citizens who never come to meetings or speak up or appear to give a rat’s ass about what happens to this town.

Now you, no doubt, are part of what we might call the loud, DISgruntled minority. You get all excited about things. You make presentations to council. You write letters to the editor. Hell, you hold community meetings. Every tiny little issue that comes up — and this measly, 88-unit resort condo thing in the heart of town is a prime example — then sure as my name is Billaric Russcheving, some special interest group is drowning out the silent, gruntled majority and trying to screw up council’s plans.

Well I’m here to tell ya it won’t work. We’re too experienced for that. Y’see, most politicians use what they call a multiplier factor. When they hear from a disgruntled constituent, they assume about 200 other people hold the same view. A lot of letters and complaints and they figure they better start responding.

But here in U … Ukaka … Ukanish, we do things different. We use what you might call a divider factor — the more we hear from you, the less we care.

Because whatever you disgruntled people may think, I KNOW what this town really needs. No matter how many of you speak out against a development at public hearings, I hear from twice that many who are FOR the development. Well I don’t exactly hear from them because they’re the silent, gruntled majority … but I KNOW what they want. By coincidence, it’s exactly the same thing I want.

My esteemed colleague and long-time council member Erikio St. Larsejake said it best: What’s good for me is good for U … Ucka … Ukaba … ah hell, let’s just call it Tofino South, ’cause with me in charge that’s what it’s gonna wind up as.

Nicky T — how long? The poll pool

The writing was on the wall for this one since the day after the municipal election, in which inexperienced but persistent candidate Nick Thorp finally ousted eternal incumbent Erik Larsen in what some called the coup of the century. Unfortunately for the progressive element of town (all six of them), it was same-old same-old for the other four positions on council, which now encompass a collective pool of experience (read “fixed ideas”) extending back to the last Ice Age, which is roughly when their policy ideas were developed. Ukee is thus assured that everything will carry on in exactly the same forward-thinking fashion as before.

Some called the election result a tiny breath of fresh air. Others expressed relief that we have at least one councillor who isn’t likely to be dead in ten years. And others wonder whether this might be the harbinger of a whole new era for the town.

For the Tattler, though, there’s only one question worth pondering as Councillor Thorp takes up his thankless burden: How long can Nick last in the dinosaur pit?

So, fellow Uclueless, this is your chance. Click the comment button below and enter for posterity your guess of how long Nick is going to survive as go-boy for the machinating geriatrics. When will he run screaming from council chambers, never to return? How long before he’s carried drooling from some sub-sub-committee meeting, eyes glazed over beyond the reach of modern psychiatry? When will Ukee’s newest councillor finally snap?

Whoever guesses closest to the actual date will get front-page mention on the Ukee Tattler, bragging rights for a year, plus a special, no-charge opportunity to run for council in that very same byelection!

Council leaves its mark!

No doubt about it, with the massive Weyerhaeuser land rezoning council has left its mark on Ucluelet for decades to come. Which may be a tad presumptuous, since they were only elected for three years, but it’s too late to quibble over that now. All we can do is watch and hang on as forces much larger than ourselves move in to reshape our town.

Still, some seem to feel it’s only fair to acknowledge council’s part in this momentous shift with something a little more enduring than a whack on the back. Forwarded from an avid Tattler reader (who wants to be known as Wookie), here is a map of the rezoning with some suggested names for key features of the proposed development. (Click for larger view, 155K.)

For those masochists who want to keep track of how closely the development of the Weyerhaeuser lands will actually adhere to the bill of goods they sold council on, view an archived picture (260K) of the “final concept” drawing by clicking here.

Many thanks, Wookie, for sending in these fine illustrations. Reader, you too can contribute. Email your reports or suggestions to The Ukee Tattler by clicking right here.
—Hack Vertue, editor in chief

Council energy analysis grim

Renewable energy is much in the news these days, given the dead-end tunnel of environmental doom humanity is speeding down. Green energy consultants Suckett, Drigh and Burnitt, contracted in by the Tattler at enormous expense from their luxury condo/offices in Whistler, performed a comparative energy audit on Ucluelet and Tofino town councils.

SDB findings show the councils are expending vast amounts of energy in a highly unsustainable manner (graphs, below). When pressed for recommendations, however, the consultants just threw their hands in the air and walked away, muttering about “inbred, backwoods politics.”

(Click to enlarge)