Proponents of a name change claim the town’s hard-to-pronounce name has long held it back in the tourism field, on the premise that if gorbies can’t pronounce it they won’t want to visit it.

Past names proposed and defeated include Long Beach, U-clue-let (with hyphens), South Tofino, and Middelfart, in honour of the town’s Danish heritage.

The Tattler once pushed the adoption of the name Elke-u-let, in recognition of the overbearing influence Ukee’s “angel developer” Elke Loof-Koehler, of Marine Drive Properties, has had on the face and future of the town.

That effort did not bear fruit, but now proponents are proposing a similar name based on more recent events: Elke-blew-it.

Readers can make their own suggestions in the comments below.

Keep track of your community hall construction over the coming months and years as the project matures and ever-changing overruns are announced. First person to email us with a full row crossed off wins $500 off next year’s property taxes, courtesy of our corporate crapshoot sponsor Marines Drive Properly.

Remember, the community hall was officially slated for opening in January, 2010, at an all-up construction cost of $8.1 million, of which $7 million is supposed to be in district coffers already. And keep an eye on that $2 million “contingency” you overwhelmingly approved last April!

Catface makeover steps 1-5

“All it’s going to take is a little redistribution of the existing rock,” said Slick Veneer, media relations officer for the mining and exploration company. “It’s very much like cosmetic surgery, but on a bit larger scale. But once we remove those millions of tons of waste rock, dump it on the beaches at the foot of the mountain, build the giant ore-processing plant, the deepwater port, and create the lake of toxic waste, it’s going to be a dead ringer for that cute, fuzzy kitty-cat you loved as a child.”

The company is even going so far as to ship some of the rock away, to help the project along. “There might concievably be something useful in some of that rock, say something like copper, maybe. And because we’re a mining company committed to the environment, we’re going to do our darndest put that rock to good use, no matter what it costs us.”

Environmental groups, which rely on a continual state of impending catastrophe to keep their funds flowing, are predictably sounding the alarm, citing well-known examples of other open-pit mountain makeovers and the extensive environmental degradation they caused.

Other observers are not so worried about the environmental impact. “Ah, they’re never going to go through with an actual mine,” said lawyer and part-time Tofino resident Buster Uppanotch. “The whole exercise is all about First Nations milking the white man for whatever they can get, and the mining company pumping up its stock price to make a few shareholders rich.”

The initial exploratory drilling comes on the heels of a Memorandum of Understanding signed with the Ahousaht First Nation, in whose traditional territory the mountain lies. The band showed no interest in cooperation with resource companies in past years, said company negotiator Hannover D. Payola, who played a key part in the recent MOU signing. But the negotiations gathered momentum when band officials’ pickup trucks started pushing five years old. “We had to do something,” said a band spokesman, “the situation was getting desperate.”

Now things are turning around for the suffering town. Unemployment has plummeted, thanks to the eight temporary jobs that came about as a result of the agreement. Asked about the future of their town existing in what could effectively become an environmental toilet bowl, one chief said, “That’s tomorrow. We are focused on today.”

In fact, Ahousaht elders are now reportedly in the process of changing the Nuu-cha-nulth motto, Hishuk ish ts’awalk — “Everything is one,” a statement of ecological integrity — to the far more adaptable hishuk ish ts’amoo-moo-lah — “Everything is one big cash cow.”

In Canada, a governing body normally does not pick its own successors, but in Ucluelet’s case the lack of voter interest has been so marked for decades that past councils were forced to create their own system. The choosing of a replacement council by a sitting council is now a Ukee tradition.

As widely expected, Dianne St. Jacques will sit again in the mayor’s place. Councillors Bill Irving and Eric Russcher (both of I-R-J Day fame) will return to the same chairs. Councillor Dario Corlazzoli will be replaced by the next name on the rotating list of approved councillors, and as usual there will be one “wild card” seat left open to maintain the illusion that Ucluelet is an operating democracy.

All existing policies and procedures, both public and behind-the-scenes, will remain unaltered. As has been the norm for the past several decades, members of council will continue to hold influential positions on all key committees and organizations in town, thus ensuring that the same narrow set of ideas and ideologies rules every game in town.

Council says Ukee residents can continue to bask in their political fog as nothing is expected to change. Ever.

The vast expanse of blank cinderblock wall and utter lack of overhangs to shelter shoppers from the rain just screams West Coast, according to commentators on the town’s evolving look.

Others commend the store for effectively sidestepping local architectural guidelines. Noting the Co-op’s stature as the town’s heavyweight business, they point out the many redesigns the CIBC bank across the street had to go through before its exterior design was approved. “Bravo,” said one pro-development passerby. “Tofino is now all about maximum square footage for minimum buck, and this can only raise the bar.”

“I love it!” said local Brandy Soss, walking her seeing eye dog past the site one evening. “It’s like our very own big box store, right on the quintessential Tofino hangout corner.”

Locals are looking forward to what new aesthetic surprises the ongoing renovation will bring.

“I couldn’t turn around without seeing one of those ‘Vote Yes’ pamphlets,” said Pine Street resident Tina Tuna, walking her dog near Davison Plaza. “Then there were the presentations, the info sessions, the peer pressure … it was making me crazy. Two million is cheap, if it puts an end to the brainwashing campaign.’”

Other residents are equally relieved. Tom Codfinger, a retiree, said he wanted to vote no “just to teach them councillors a lesson about respecting the voters,” but said he couldn’t face the prospect of another “community education session” down the road when council tries to ram through another attempt.

Residents are now beginning to apply for the second and third jobs they will require to keep on living in Ucluelet. Mayor St. Jacques is scheduling hairdresser appointments so as to be looking good for the award ceremonies at the centre groundbreaking, and is also calculating how much she’ll save on her Area C property taxes now that District of Ucluelet taxpayers are footing the bill for her dream infrastructure.

Below, the Yes Vote Steering Committee exits its media bunker deep under the district office, satisfied at the referendum results.

The would-be Friend stormed out of the meeting in anger and disgust, presumably to spread the word throughout town, while presentations continued inside on why the group seems to be losing local support.

Word on the street is that the organization may now be changing its name from Friends of Clayoquot Sound to Friends of Val Langer, but this remains unconfirmed.

The rotating award goes each year to the small-town mayor who projects “the most grindingly, blindingly, relentlessly positive image for their town, in the face of everything to the contrary” May said. “Every time [Mayor St. Jacques] speaks, everything she says is brimming with optimism and hope for the future. She deserves this award like nobody else.”

District residents seem to agree. “Every time she opens her mouth it’s like a friggin’ soap commercial for the town,” they say. “Just as it should be, ’cause we’re all happily housed, with great jobs and a swell town with no problems at all.”

Ucluelet CAO Geoff Lyons was a strong contender for the Making Problems Disappear by Waving Your Arms Around award, but was beat out by the district of Duncan, which recently signed famed magician David Copperfield to a long-term contract.

Tofino mayor John Fraser was also considered for the award, but fell out of the running because he briefly discussed the town’s critical water problems in a public forum. “There’s a time and a place to talk about controversial civic issues,” May said, “and unfortunately Mr. Fraser let the cat out of the bag once too often. But he got his head bit off because of it, so we have every hope that he learned a lesson and will be in the running for Mayor Sunshine next year.”

—Thanks to submitter (who wants to remain anonymous)

Unconfirmed sources at the district office indicate that local developer (and now de facto town owner) Marine Drive Properties may be about to change the name of its gigantic golf course-slash-recreational-housing-for-the-rich development on the edge of town.

It is apparently to be renamed Waitansee, on the heels of rumors that the development is now hanging by a financial thread, with the usual Ukee story of lagging sales, work stoppages and unpaid contractors.

Less optimistic locals are suggesting the name Hopeanpray, lest the project go belly up and become the biggest mudpit eyesore on the coast. Those who have given up on the town entirely recommend the name Wankanoff.

The voluntary renaming comes as a surprise after MDP got its lily-white thong in a twist over Edge FM radio’s infamous Wyndanpee campaign, thus proving the company can’t take a joke.

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THE LAND: The infamous Lot 16, across the street from Big Beach.

THE PROBLEM: The lot is zoned for 200 multi-family units — huge potential to become a busy residential neighbourhood: walking distance to schools and town centre, right across the street from Big Beach Park and the future community centre. But . . . it will take YEARS to build out — not quick enough for our developers to cash in on today!

THE SOLUTION: Marine Drive Properties applies for down-zoning to 86 resort condominiums (nightly rentals), along with 12 multi-family units and 5 single-family lots — a net loss of 183 family residences. But buyers are lining up for the resort condos!

THE VOTE: On November 28, 2006, councillors Corlazzoli and Thorp have the temerity to vote against the rezoning. Fortunately councillors Irving and Russcher vote in favour, to make for a 2–2 tie. Mayor St. Jacques breaks the longstanding tradition of a mayor voting “no” when council is split, and casts the deciding yes vote.

THE RESULT: Ukee becomes a town where developers’ present needs trump the community’s future needs!

THE DAY: In recognition of this watershed day, and in homage to the longterm vision of councillors Irving, Russcher and St. Jacques, every November 28 is to be known as I–R–J DAY.

 Let the celebrations begin!